What a beautiful mess this is.

I haven't blogged in over a year. But I have good reason, life in the Cozzens' home has drastically changed.

Broc and I are no longer husband and wife. It's been the hardest, toughest, most heartbreaking decision I have ever made. I still to this day question if what I did was the right decision, I may never know. All I do know is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than what I gave myself credit for. And I'm also kicking ass at this single parenting business.

Broc and I are still good friends. He still comes by to visit us, calls regularly to make sure Cole, Todd and I are okay, and we both want to have a good relationship with each other. Not just for us, but especially for our son. We never EVER want Cole to feel like our choice to end our marriage was because of him, and we want him to know that we still care and love each other, but we cannot be together. We will ALWAYS be a family, and I can openly say that I will always love Broc, there is no doubt in that.

Cole and I now live in a cute 2 bedroom apartment close by Viewmont High School. I'm still grooming away, enjoying every second of it. Broc is living with some friends in North Salt Lake and has an amazing job at Lowe's. We are both doing very well for ourselves, and still working as a team to raise our boy right. If in the last 6 years of our relationship didn't count for anything, at least we know we got one thing right; Cole Goulding.

Cole is now almost 13 months old! He is walking everywhere destroying everything, and exploring non stop. He is the light of my life. He is my rock and my reason. I could not go through life without him. Who was I before him? I don't even care. He has made me want to become active in the LDS church again, live a healthier lifestyle, and want to become an all-around better person. I don't think I could've done everything I've been doing recently without him. Cole will never know the real amount of strength and determination that he has given me. I honestly thank The Lord everyday for him, and am so grateful to have the responsibilities of parenthood given to me. It truly is the greatest gift.

All-in-all, life right now is pretty confusing. But it's beautiful, hard, and always changing. I learn something new about myself and my son everyday. I may have thought my life was going to be heading in a totally different direction a year ago, but I wouldn't change my experiences for the world. They have made me the woman I am today. Everyday is different, but I do wake up each morning greeting the day and ready to conqor it with Cole and our red heeler Todd by our side.

Cheers-
Haley Carol

Just one of those amazing days.

Today was not supposed to be anything special. Just borrowed the Cozzens' car, go grocery shopping and run errands. Same old, same old. But for some reason today, it was more than grocery shopping and errand running, it was making lifestyle changes, taking Cole out and watching him enjoy the world, having Todd hang his head out the window and enjoy the weather, and just spending a care free day with my family.

First off, I groomed a dog this morning and did quite an amazing job, if I do say so myself. And that's a good thing because this weekend I almost just quite grooming for a while because I messed up on a client and it destroyed my self esteem and broke my spirit. So knowing I did a good job on this dog today, and have the owner recognize it, I felt so much better about my grooming and realized everyone makes mistakes.

Next, we went to Target to get toiletries, and ended up doing a little grocery shopping there as well! I found some great vegan foods, got ingredients to make Broc's favorite meals, and we headed to Pappa Murphy's to get pizza, breadsticks, and cookie dough! Then we headed home so Cole could take his afternoon nap and we could eat lunch.

Then, we headed off to Smith's after Cole took his 2 1/2 hour nap (crazy kid!) to buy the rest of our groceries and fresh produce, because they are A LOT cheaper than Target. While we were in the produce section, Broc came to the cart with a giant bag of apples and said, " I want to live a healthier lifestyle, too. I WILL NOT go vegetarian or vegan, but I want to eat healthier and take better care of myself." I squealed and gave him a big hug and kiss right in the middle of the store! I didn't care, I was so happy that he wanted to better himself even more than he already has!

So after hours of grocery shopping, we finally got home, got Cole fed and ready for bed, took our nighttime walk, and Broc and I are now eating sushi, drinking mike's hard lemonade, watching iron man 3, and playing blink.

Nothing special was supposed to happen today. But now that I'm laying here next to my husband, on our bed that we pulled into the living room so we could have a "sleepover" while Todd is snuggle up at our feet, I realize that I need to cherish and enjoy everyday like I did today. Because life IS short, Cole is growing up so fast, Broc and I have been married for almost 3 YEARS, so much is changing and continues to change.

We all need to enjoy every single day.
Find something in your day to look forward to,
To always remember,
To crave to relive over and over again.

Life is absolutely beautiful.

Conception Story

Yes, the title is misleading.
I just want to tell you the story of how Mr. Cole Goulding came into our lives.
In a previous post, I talked about having HPV.
Well, I don't anymore!
Because of the surgery, shots, and taking good care of myself, my body battled it.
So to "reward" myself, I got pregnant.
Let me back it up for just a second; Broc and I were told we were probably never going to be able to get pregnant. I had a 23% chance of having a baby, and Broc was told he isn't very fertile because of his illostomy surgery etc.
So we thought, what the hell? Don't need protection, don't need birth control.
WRONG.
So. Very. Wrong.
One day I was sitting on the front porch and I hadn't been feeling very well lately, something was just off. I was super emotional (more emotional then I already am) and Leia was starting to treat me differently. In the back of my mind I said, "there is NO WAY, Haley Carol, you ARE NOT pregnant."
So for the 100th time, I bought a pregnancy test at the store.
Positive.
..........
I didn't believe it. I called Planned Parenthood and made an appt. for the next day to get a pregnancy test there.
Positive.
So I went into my Dr. because I was actually supposed to get an IUD put in, but I told him that I had 2 positive pregnancy tests and that I wanted to get my blood drawn and sent to the lab.
I came back VERY positive. 4-5 weeks pregnant.
It was time to tell Broc.
I was terrified. We were so poor and without a car and lived in a studio apartment with 2 dogs and a cat. What were we going to do??
So, like a  big wimp, I called him at work and told him we needed to talk when he got home.
"you're pregnant, aren't you?"
then there was silence, he hung up.
about 5 minutes later, he called back, "I threw up." my poor husband!
I started to cry and asked him what we were going to do. He came home as quickly as he could and we sat down and decided we needed to start finding a better place to live and living a better lifestyle etc.
Well, 11 months have gone by since then, and we are SO happy with Cole Goulding. Leia, sadly is gone to a different family, and Pepper our cat is with the upstairs neighbors we had in the avenues. We are in a cute 2 bedroom apartment with Todd, Broc is a supervisor at the Centerville Arctic Circle, and I am working at the Rec Center and grooming at home as well (searching for a grooming job at a salon or vet tech job at a clinic) Life is piecing itself together, and we have the most beautiful, happy, healthy baby anyone could ask for.
I am so grateful to have Cole Goulding in our lives. He is an absolute blessing and has made me a better person. I have seen the change in Broc and myself, as we've grown into adults and into parents. Thank you, Cole, for coming into our lives at the most unexpected time and making it absolutely perfect and beautiful. We love you.
Mom and Dad.

photo cred. Kelsey Yoakum

Cole Goulding Cozzens--Birth Story

Well, I have been itching to write Cole's birth story, and everyone that has had their babies AFTER me have already written theirs, so obviously I need to get on it.

Cole was 9 days late. And let me tell you, that was HELL! I was so ready to have Cole, mentally and emotionally, but not physically. I wasn't dilating, and turns out, LDS Hospital's policy is that first time moms will not be induced until they are EXACTLY 41 weeks, or if there is a medical concern, they will induce you before.
So, after 3 non stress tests, one emergency trip to LDS for fainting in my apartment one day, and hours of tears and stress later, I had an induction date; June 12th at 7 pm.
When June 12th finally came up, I was freaking out! I couldn't wait for 7 to come around. I spent the day cleaning, going through our hospital bags, and my mom even took me and Addie Mae out for pedicures right before! 6 o'clock rolls around, I get a phone call from LDS Hospital.
"Someone went into labor and your room was taken. We will call you when a room opens up."
............I sobbed.
For hours.
I couldn't believe that I had been waiting all of this time, and an HOUR before I'm supposed to go in, my room gets taken by someone lucky enough to go into labor and have their baby. The hospital told us to get some sleep, and that they would call me when a room opened up.
Like I was getting any freaking sleep.
I was now a week past due, and I had to wait even LONGER to have my baby.
Luckily for Broc, I cried myself to sleep that night. Then my phone rings at 3:30 in the morning.
"A room has opened up for you. We'll see you soon!"
Broc and I got in the car and HAULED to the Cozzens' house to drop off Todd, then drove to LDS as fast as we could, ran into labor and delivery, and FINALLY, had a room.

Immediately, they put an I.V. in me because I tested positive for strep B etc. and put me on fluids because I was very dehydrated. Next they gave me a pill that dissolved in my mouth to help soften my cervix, and told us to sleep. Naturally, Broc passed out. I was up most of the night, just listening to my son's heart beat, and realizing I would hopefully be seeing him in a couple of hours.
That's when the labor pains started, and boy were they AWFUL!
But, I wanted to fight through them as long as I could because I wanted to have a natural birth.
That didn't last long though, 4 hours into my labor, I was sobbing because the pain was so awful and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point, the nurse told me I was getting an epidural, and I didn't argue one bit.
Getting an epidural, for me, was hell as well. My contractions were so bad at that point, when they told me to lean forward and stay still, my whole body was shaking from the pain and exhaustion I was going through, I basically gave myself a full blown panic attack.
Mind you, I have a high pain tolerance, so I was quite embarrassed that I couldn't deal with this as well as I expected myself to.
Finally, after trying to get the epidural in twice, the nurse gave me a sedative, laid me down on my side, and I guess they got the epidural in much quicker and easier, I don't remember though :) I was definitely drugged.
Next was the catheter, more fluids, and more waiting.
8 more hours to be exact.
It was 11:00 pm that night when I was finally dilated enough for them to call Dr. Beckstead and have me start pushing.
Side note, if you ever need a good OB/Family Practitioner, I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Beckstead. He made my pregnancy and birthing process so positive and easy. I absolutely love this doctor.
So, after an hour and 10 minutes of pushing, there he was....

Cole Goulding Cozzens
9 pounds 2 ounces
21 1/2 inches long
THE MOST hair I have ever seen on a baby. Beautiful, black, thick.
Giant eyes, only cried for about 20 seconds.
Perfection.
I started to cry, my heart was so full of emotion I can't even explain, and the long 9 month and 9 day wait was finally over.
I looked over to Broc, he was sobbing. He turned towards me and hugged me tight and kissed my forehead, I was in heaven at that moment.

Cole Goulding was a surprise baby. We weren't planning on him, but he came.
And all I have to say is, I don't wish my life to be any different.
The love I feel for this baby is indescribable, it's the most perfect, selfless, fulfilling love I have ever felt. When I first saw my baby boy, I thought my heart was going to explode.
I look at him now, STILL, and my heart hurts with the love I have for him.
You do not know true love until you are a mother, and that is a FACT. Because it is unlike any love you have for a pet, family member, even your spouse, it is the most perfect feeling in the world.

Cole Goulding Cozzens, you are, without a doubt, the GREATEST thing that has ever happened to Broc and me. We are so happy you are here, and love starting this journey called parenting with you. You are loved by everyone in our families, and adored and fawned over by everyone we know. Nothing will ever make us happier. You are the love of our lives.

Life with Todd

Okay, lets just get to the point.
I write A LOT about dogs.
Our dogs.
But why not?
They're our family, our furkids, what we live for.
SO GET OVER IT! :)

I'm just going to kind of update what life has been like since we added Mr. Todd into our family.
One word, CRAZY!
Okay two, crazy and AMAZING!
Todd is a NUTBAG!
He has energy, spunk, curiosity, love, fire....
He's everything you want in an Australian Cattle http://www.akc.org/breeds/australian_cattle_dog/index.cfm <--here's a little information on the breed if you want to learn more about it!

Him and Leia LOOOOVE each other.

He HATES swimming, so Broc threw him in the river at City Creek Canyon!

                                                                         

Broc playing with him and Boss (our friend Cam's dog) I love this picture

He was patient and let me draw eyebrows on him haha :)

 

Like I said, Todd is an amazing addition to our family. He loves to stare out windows, cuddle, meet everyone and every dog, and he is just bubbling with personality! Even as I'm typing this, he's snuggled up right against me. We love you Todd, and we are BEYOND happy to have you in our life. xoxoxoxox mommy and daddy

From adoption, to abandoned, to foster, to death, to adoption.

I now work at UAAC, The Utah Animal Adoption Center. I love it, for the most part (some attitudes around their could be changed) but the fact that I am working to give animals a 2nd chance is BEYOND fullfilling for my soul.
The only problem is, I can foster and I get one free adoption.
That's when Gramps came into my life.
Gramps was adopted from UAAC around 9 to 10 years ago.
Then a month ago, he was abandoned, left for dead basically.
In THE WORST condition an owner could possibly leave a dog in.
And I fell head over heels with him!

He was blind, deaf, and 15 years old. But he always had a smile on his face.
He had the attitude of an old man, he was a stubborn man :)
We only had him for 2ish weeks, then he could barely stand, poop, eat, just have a normal day.
So I, along with the staff at UAAC, decided it was time for him to go.


I was devistated.
I've had 3 dogs die this year, I've watched all 3 go.
BUT, they are in heaven with my Sunny, waiting for us to come meet them, in the heaven dogs exsist.

But there was a silver lining in all of this.
And his name is Todd.
He was brought in a couple of days before Gramps died, and we KNEW he was perfect for us.
He is about 8 month to a year old Australian Cattle Dog
25 pounds
Cute as can freaking be.
We. Love. Todd.
He has made me realize that Gramps wanted me and Broc to be happy, and trust me, we are!
I can't wait to have MANY MANY years with Broc, Leia, and Todd, one happy family.

We miss you Gramps.
We love you Todd, welcome to our family :)

Lets just get this over with!

I've been wanting to blog more, but haven't had the damnest thing to write about!
Then, just out of the blue, I realized I did.
And it's serious.
And if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Because this is another "harder" post for me to write.
But there are people out there I KNOW need to here it.

........I have HPV. And Cervical Cancer

If you don't know what HPV is, how you can get it (or prevent it) or just need a brush up on your STD knowledge, http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm will help you.
I've known about having HPV since August of 2010.
I don't even think my family knows about it.
My husband does, and he's find with it.

JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR, I am not a disgusting deformed woman in ANY way, I am perfectly healthy and "normal looking" and managing my diseases very well.
If ANYONE out there is offened by this, don't hate, just exit off of my blog and let everyone else continue onto reading. This is a hard subject to bring up, but I KNOW people out there need and want to hear this.
Men can get this too, so don't be stupid and immature, boys! ;)

Now, lets get back to business.
I'm sure whoever, if anyone is still reading this, have lots of questions. I'll bring up a few I've had the few people that know about this have asked me.

Q. Did Broc give it to you? And can he get it himself?
A. No. I had one other sexual partner before I met Broc. People, don't act perfect and think I'm some whore or something. It was a VERY serious relationship I was in. There are people out there who understand. Broc knows, he doesn't care at all, and he respects and loves me still. NOW to answer the 2nd part; Yes. Broc can get it from me. He DOES NOT have it though, thank God.

Q. Does it hurt you?
A. Yes, very much. Especially since I also have cervical cancer as well. I had a small little surgery in Septemberish time where they removed the cancerous part of it...THE WORST pain I've ever been in. And it still hurts to this day, and always will.

Q. Can you have children?
A. Probably not. I have like an 23% chance to EVER even getting CLOSE to getting pregnant. Right now in our lives, that's a positive thing for us haha. But in the future, it might be tough. We are BIG BELIEVERS in adoption though. Broc AND my father were both adopted. That's 2 men in my life that if they were with their birth parents still, I might not even exsist.

Q. How can I prevent getting HPV?
A. Safe sex. I know this will sound stupid, but if you are considering having sex with someone, you BOTH should get tested and make sure you're all safe and clear! Also, condoms, always.

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks this post is disgusting and not appropriate, but really, it's not THAT big of a deal. I have an amazing life still, and I've learned from my mistakes. I hope whoever out there is reading is educated and enlightened by this. Please don't think of me as a horrible, disgusting person. I'm still the same Haley Carol all of you know and love :)

Catch up List

Here's what happened since I've been on the blogging world:
*Broc and I have been married a year and a month now! Yay!
*New Apartment in the Avenues, super cute.
*Got rid of Reginald and Mortimere....it's okay, they needed a change.
*Got 3 new dogs though! Leia, Xena, and Sheldon Cooper
*I turned 21 yesterday, hella! And a got a rabbit name Prim Rose
*We had our Toyota Camry taken away....so now we're walking/bus/frontrunner people
*Broc is working full time at Artic Circle , and training to become a manager!
*I quit Petco because they cut my hours big time, and a girl harrassed the crap out of me that made me completely miserable
*I am currently looking for a job, but doing yard work and other small jobs for money
*I am grooming from home now though! And it is super fun.

All-in-all, life is weird, but fun! We're happily married, working hard, and living life to the fullest.
What I have learned over this year is to trust a few, love a lot, and hold on tight and never let go to the few things you have.

Happy New Year.....

The term "Happy New Year" was completely ascue from what Broc and I experienced this last week of the year 2011.
Right now as I am typing out this blog post, I'm getting sick to my stomach and feeling the emptiness creep back into my heart and my mind.
My puppies are gone.
There's no bringing them back.
I know that.
I accept that.
But I sure as hell DO NOT want that.

Thursday night, my dear Scarlett started getting all of the signs of Parvo disease.
If you don't know what Parvo is http://dogparvosymptoms.net/ there you go.
It's horrible.
It's disgusting.
It broke my heart.

Friday, Koda was hit with this hell of a disease.
They were both gone by Sunday.
It was mine and Broc's choice to put them down, but they were honestly better off dead.
They lost SO MUCH weight,
so much light in their eyes,
so much will to live,
and I saw it all.
Looking at my babies, knowing that I only have minutes to be with them
I held them in my arms, listening to their soft, staggered breathing,
telling them that they're going to be all better soon and that mommy and daddy love them.

I told them sorry.

Sorry....that's all I could think of right before they left.

Sorry to Scarlett for spanking you when you peed in the house the night we got you,
Sorry to Koda for popping him on the nose when he didn't want a bath.
Sorry for everything wrong.
Sorry for not being able to control this horrid disease that hit them quickly and without fail.

I loved those dogs.
I hope everyone and everything out there knows I do.
I loved those dogs more than anything in this world, and I would've given ANYTHING for them to be alive.

But that wasn't God's plan.
Whoever and whatever he is.
If he even exsists.
But we'll discuss that later.

You honestly don't know what sadness is until you hold your sick puppies in your arms while they're put to sleep.
Knowing that's the right thing to do, but why now?
They're young, full of life.

While I was sitting there waiting for the vet to come in to euthanize them, I thought.
Take me instead. I honestly thought that.
Give me their sickness, I'll battle through it.
Let them be happy and healthy.
What could I sell or how could I get the money to treat them?
What did I do to loose these dogs?
I took SUCH good care of them.
The best food, the best collars, leashes, treats, kennels, everything was perfect.
I thought,
my mind racing.
About to grab my dogs and run.
Find somewhere, Narnia? Hogwarts?
Somewhere unreal that would rescue my dogs.

Then the vet came in.

And that was that.

That was my New Year's.
That was Broc's New Year's.

R.I.P. Scarlett my "pwetty girlfwiend" and Koda Koda's my "ting-ting"
You still have a VERY big place in my heart, and I don't want you to leave it.
Stay in my heart, help me through life.
Because you changed me, and I'm sure you changed Broc.
We will always love you, talk about you, think about you,
You are remembered.


XOXOXO mommy and daddy.

Feelin Groovy

So I feel like lately I've been overwhelming myself with life.
I know that's cliche.
But it's true so fuck off!
I need to learn to let go again.
Just to enjoy the day ahead of me, and worry about stuff if it actually happens
which 93.5% it never does....
So why is that?

Why do people overthink life?

I find it super frustrating that the world revolves around money. NOTHING is free anymore.
nothing.
If you win a free burger at McDonalds, you most likely have to drive to get there. Gas=money
If you make a friend, you're entitled to either go to lunch with them, buy them lunch, or get them gifts (if you're anything like me, I LOVE buying people shit) presents and food=money

Now I'm not trying to complain, I'm just wondering why life is the way it is and kinda just babbling on in this post because I have a lot on my mind and my husband is already asleep at 9:31 at night.
So the question and/or thought for me is: why didn't I enjoy being a kid and a teenager?
I was SO determined my whole life to grow up and be older than I was.
To have multiple jobs when I didn't need one.
To go on dates and hang out late.
To disobey my parents and not listen to their advace.

Well joke's on me; I'm a F***ING adult now.
Time to HAVE mulitple jobs just to make ends meet.
Time to go on dates if there's time for one, and hang out late at work.
Time to not have parents around 24/7 to disobey, because now I need them.

I love being grown up, don't get me wrong.
I just wish I would've treasured my youth a little bit more.
I wish I would've been nicer to people at school.
I wish I would've hung out with my family more and not worried about boys or parties.
I wish I would've been less ADHD and just done my homework.

But now it is time to grow up and be a woman, starting with this blog post.
I understand this post is a bit weird, I'm just scatter-brained and can't sleep.
But now my thoughts are typed out, and my mind is clear.

1st Plus Photo Shoot

I was having an off day the other week, so good ol' Kelsey took me out and took photos of me to show me how beautiful I am and that being different isn't a bad thing. I can't help but NOT to post these photos because they are SO gorgeous. Enjoy, like I even have to tell you...they're amazing!!!

We were just driving and found this place. Cars were coming back and it was sort of akward haha. Like tons of cars!

Possibly my favorite one ever. In my favorite Urban Outfitter's sweater :) yes, big girls can shop at the sickest places still, don't fret!

Kelsey said I look just like my mammy in this one. And you know what, I'm okay with that now :) because I feel I look like BOTH my mother and father in this picture. And that's beautiful

I really like this one. I'm wearing a shirt my little brother gave me that I wear on a regular basis, a scarf that I got from Rodger's Memorial Theatre before it turned into CenterPointe, and shoes my husband bought me. Everything I love is in this one simple picture. And it makes me whole.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed this little post, and if anyone out there wants their pictures taken for cheap and a good quality, Kelsey Yokam is the girl to talk to. She takes ALL of my pictures.

LOL--Lots of Love

This guilty feeling inside

So now that I'm back onto the Internet world, for example; facebook, pinterest, and polyvore.....
I feel this awful feeling inside that I need to apologize.
For being needy
For being nosey
For being a bitch
For talking bad about people
For thinking bad about people
For being grumpy
For being angry
For complaining
For being unsatisfied
For pouting
For yelling
For crying
For lying
For anything that I have ever done wrong that was either intentional or non-intentional and hurting some one's feelings and/or other's feelings. (phew I said that all in one breath)
For sometimes not being Haley Carol.

I'M SORRY!!!

No excuses, but reasons. Life has given me some twists and turns, some ups and downs, and I haven't handled them right. I'm working on that. Come on, I'm human.
I'm 20, I'm still young and reckless! And I'm Haley Carol, I'll ALWAYS over dramatize things.
But at least I'm being honest that sometimes I'm not the easiest pill to swallow.
I regret hurting people, losing friendships and other relationships (not past boyfriends, hell no haha!) and most importantly, hurting my family, including in-laws.
I want to be a role model in SO many ways.
This will be a good start.

Again, I'M SORRY!!!

I honestly am going to try my hardest to be the old Haley Carol that everyone loved and looked up to.
I'm not going to change who I am, just make myself nicer.
The world needs nicer people, I want to be one of them.
And if I'm going to love myself, I need to learn to love others.
I am so sorry to anyone and everyone I've hurt.
Know that I love everyone. I really do.

I love everyone's differences, it makes them beautiful and interesting.
I have SO MANY amazing friends and family members, all with different interests and talents.
I have SO MANY beautiful friends and family members, looks, personalities, the whole sha-bang!
I have ONE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL husband who thinks this blog post is weird, but understands that I can't apologize  to everyone all at once, so this will have to do.

But there are a few people who are going to get super long and heart-felt one on one apologies.
So get ready people.
There's a nicer Haley Carol Cozzens in town.
And she's ready to give you so much nice, you might even miss the old me :)

LOL---LOTS OF LOVE

Pretty is a Plus

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever, sorry guys! But I;ve thought of a new post, and basically a new blogging style that I am going to start. This is a huge step for me, so take a deep breath, and enjoy...

I'm big boned.
Always have been, always will be.
......
I'm a size 16.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
I have a great body, good strong healthy bones, and an awesome ass :)
I'm a size 16 and I STILL wear skinny jeans.
I wear nothing BUT skinnies.

I love myself.
And everyone out there who deals with big bones, weight problems, or anything that doesn't make you a size 2 should love yourself as well.

I'm beautiful.
My husband tells me so.
Yes, I'm a size 16 and married.
Guys like curves.
My husband LOOOOVES them.
We have a great, amazing marriage, even though I'm a bigger girl and he's a smaller guy.
He thinks I'm the hottest girl out there, and makes ME think I am too!

I'm not cocky, I have self esteem.
Everyone who might even come across this post should have self esteem too.
And if you don't, come talk to me.

this is me. sporting my plus size self. And feeling GREAT about it.
I wear whatever clothes I feel like wearing.
And yes, they're usually a Large or XL.

Wanna know some other pluses to being a plus?
-big boobs
-nice round butt
-sexy flowing shirts and dresses
-loud laugh and WAY more personality to have

I hope someone out there reads this post and appreciates being themselves.
Even if you're tiny, love yourself.
My best friend eats like a man, but has the tiniest body in the world.
She's hot and embraces it! (Love you KT)
But to you Juicy Lucy's out there, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.


Don't ever forget that.

Just another romantic story.

A couple of days ago, I had to work. And Broc worked. I didn't have a car. Broc did.
I called Broc's mom to give me a ride. She forgot. Oh shit. Well, I have a bike.
So yes people, I biked in 40 degree weather at 2 in the afternoon to Petco.
It sucked, to say the least.
So I got to work on time, freezing though, and almost barfed. I called Broc and told him.
He was so proud of me.
So was my boss. She gave me employee of the month for that.
I think.
When I got home that night (Broc picked me up. In the car) this happened

and this

and then some of this....

I have an amazing husband. He understands me, and he knows what to do for me and when to do it. The little fancy dinner at home, sweats, flowers, and most of all a CLEANED UP HOUSE was enough for me to realize that he was proud of me and loved me.

And then I realized biking to work wasn't so bad after all....

Lists are nice.

I read Kelsey's post and decided to make a list about me and Broc as well....because I love lists myself, and I just feel like blogging today.

* Broc and I met at a high school Prom. Call it stupid, I thought it was awesome!
* Our first dance was at Boondocks by his car, listening to "As long as I Live" by Foreinger (which would later result in that becoming our first dance at our wedding), and eating m&ms. That's where he first touched my behind too......
* Our first date was trying to find Gravity Hill in Salt Lake, buying slim jims and smokes at a gas station, running through sprinklers at Muller Park Jr. High, and then later having our first kiss in the grafetti tunnel next to the Bountiful temple...WHAT A NIGHT!!!
* We used to talk on the phone all day, everyday, before we were dating and just best friends, while he was in the hospital when his colon was removed.
* He's the first person I met with Chrons' Disease. After meeting him, it opened up my eyes to the Chrons' world, and it's not an uncommon disease.
* I feel like a celebrity around his family and friends. Everyone goes "oh so you're the amazing Haley Carol we hear about everyday! I'm so happy Broc found you"......I am too.
* Broc tells me later on in our relationship that he is amazed that his colostomy bag doesn't bother me, and he is so grateful I think it's a different kind of beauty instead of an inperfection.
* When he proposed, it was Halloween night, and we were watching my favorite movie Saw III. I'm gothic and dark, I know. I've come to deal with that.
* When I'd come visit him during school, we would sleep on a TWIN mattress on the floor of his Russian roommate's room....it was disgusting, but totally worth it.

    I love my Christian Broc Cozzens.

Gotta be Grateful

Well, I read my best friend, KateLyn Wall's blog post, and realized that I also have been complaining a lot lately. I've been complaining about lack of money, food, going out, and just basically everything, even though I have SO MUCH that I should be happy for. I'm listing out things I'm grateful for too, so thanks for the idea KT!

1. First off, I'm grateful for my amazing husband Christian Broc Cozzens. I am SO happy that I am married to this amazing man, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have fallen in love so much that I want to marry him at a young age. We've endured more than most people know about, and I am so grateful for each and every one of those experiences. They have made us a strong couple, and I don't know who I would be without my husband. He understands me, is patient and kind with me, and loves me like nobody will EVER understand.

2. I am thankful for my job at Petco. Seriously, this job is incredible! It's my dream job, grooming dogs all day everyday is the dream job for me. Hanging around 5 of the closest coworkers I have ever had brings me complete joy. I love having 'girl talk' everytime I go to work. And some of them have turned out to be some of my best friends. This job gives me opportunity to grow as a groomer, person, and as a lover of all of God's creatures. This job gives me and my husband sercurity with money and knowing I won't lose this job, and GREAT discounts on any supplies needed for our pets at home :)

3. Which leads me to #3. I am SO grateful for my 2 dogs Reggie and Morty, and 2 kitties Aldous (pronounced All-dus) and Rosie. They are some of the sweetest animals I have ever known, and being me, I've known and owned a lot of animals. My kittens are even some of the sweetest best tempered kittens I have ever met! I call Aldous by his name and he comes to me. Rosie almost died, which was a very traumatizing couple of weeks in my life, holding her 9 ounce body, hoping she makes it just another day. I am eternally grateful for 4 kids already. They are the best kids in teh world.

4. I am grateful for Broc's parents: Chris and Jan Cozzens. They are like a mom and a dad to me, when mine don't decide to step in, they do. They have helped us in SO many ways, from letting us live at their house until Broc was back on his feet, to giving us a hearty dinner and leftovers every Sunday night, or when something like a birthday party or special event occurs. Jan has been more of a mom to me than I ever thought she would be. She's helped me during all of the rough times that Broc and I have been through, and has treated me like a daughter when it comes to rides, taking me out for hair appts. and mani/pedis, and talking to me on the phone or over lunch when I've needed someone there for me during times of confusion. So thank you Jan and Chris, especially Jan. I love you both so much.

5. I am thankful that my husband is alive and healthy, thanks to Doctors, surgery, and medications. He has suffered SO MUCH in his lifetime, more than most people our age can ever even imagine and endure. He has almost died, that terrifies me. But knowing that because of educated Doctors and modern day medication and technology has saved Broc's life, I will be forever and eternally grateful for that.

6. As of right now, I am graeful that Broc and I have a car. Ever since I got in that accident driving the Altima, we haven't had a car to get us around and that was miserable. Going to two jobs, driving the boys around (the boys are our dogs), running errands, and just everyday driving, not having a car was super sucky. I am grateful that we had enough money saved up in the bank to get ourselves a super nice car that Broc loves and I barely get to drive haha. So thank you Toyota on Highway 89 for getting us an amazing car that we never thought we could have and are BOTH VERY grateful for.

Well those 6 things are the top 6 in my life of thankfulness right now, and I kinda have to get ready for work! I hope anyone who reads this will think of all the things they are grateful for, and post something on their blog as well. This post has definately made my attitude a hell of a lot better. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Remembering Idaho

Last September, my mother forced me to go back, yet again, to BYU Idaho to finish my associate's degree in vocal performance, even though I explained to her that I wanted to stay in Utah, move to Ogden with Broc and attend Weber State.
My mom told me 'not to throw my life away with a boy I'm just dating.
Little did she know I was madly in love with this boy and planning on marrying him.
Did I still throw my life away, mom? I think not. Broc IS my life.
ANYWAY, so I toughed out another semester (and if you haven't been to BYU I in the winter semester, you have NO idea how cold and miserable it is, especially if cold isn't your thing) and got engaged RIGHT in the middle of it (Halloween to be exact) which made the semester even harder.

All I could think about was Broc.
I was spending all my time and money finding ways to get home and see him EVERY SINGLE weekend.
Crying myself to sleep every night because my pillow smelled like him, and I was using his baby blanket to keep me warm during the cold nights.
Waiting with baited breathe, staring at my phone for a text or a call from my loving and very missed fiance.
Crying everytime we had to say goodbye, and telling him to call me AS SOON as he can, even if it's 45 seconds later.
Reading his letters and poems over and OVER and OVER again, heart breaking every word he wrote to me.

Then FINALLY, I went home the final weekend, brought Broc back to Rexburg with me, and left for good 3 days later....thanking God that I would never return to that school, and even if I did, I wouldn't be alone. I'd be married, and there would be no way anyone could tear us apart and make rules and regulations for our relationship.
You know what I just realized......? I HATED dating Broc.
Not because of him, not in the least bit! Because we were told how to date, how to be engaged, what to do, where to do it, and how. For EVERY LITTLE THING we did together. And now I am beyond grateful that every night I am able to spend it having a 'sleep over' with my best friend, and waking up to him every morning, knowing that he isn't going anywhere.

Song I wrote for Broc (by Paper Lanterns)

I wrote this song with Danny (my little brother) while I was engaged to Broc. Broc, like I've said, has Chrons Disease. Which has led to Colon cancer, and having his whole large intestine and part of his small intestine removed last year (2010). He's dealt with so many more health issues that I could just probably write a whole 'nother blog post about, but anyway. He's a warrior and THE strongest person I know, so the least I could or can do for him is write a song to and about him, and to anyone else out there who struggles with a life long sickness or disease that is incurable. Please enjoy:

"You wake up in the morning,
already angry at the world.
The sickness overcomes the spirit,
so who to blame it on today?
You look up at the One you've trusted the most,
the One who gave you what you didn't ask for.

You feel like you've done nothing wrong,
but you're taking the blame.
You're being punished for nothing,
you know.

There are millions of excuses,
that don't add up to the one real reason.
None of it makes sense in your head,
you look up again and ask 'are You there?'
That silent answer comes to no surprise,
you get it everyday.
Then you ask 'when do I stop the fight?
will it never go away?'

You feel like you've done nothing wrong,
but you're taking the blame.
You're being punished for nothing,
you know."

Kelsey my twin saves my wedding photos….and every other photo.

My brother, DanielSon, has a girlfriend named Kelsey.
She's basically my best friend. I talk to her about almost everything, and we go exploring together. No big deal. We rock.
She's a younger, better dressed version of me.
Also, skinner. I hate her for that!!!!
Anyway, she retook mine and Broc's "groomals" and they're amazing. She's an amazing photographer. And she's only 16!!!!

Thanks again Kelsey-Bo-Belsey!!! I lovers you!!!

Cool Things no one else's husbands have…or don't have….

Broc has Chron's Disease. Whatever, he's still rad.
He's missing A LOT of body parts, which actually makes him really cool!
Like for example: he's missing his whole large intestine due to Colon Cancer that was found in 2010, also, have of his small intestine was POW during that surgery….RIP Broc's innards.
He poops in a bag. On his stomach. And you can see a piece of his bright red intestine. And poop…but that's okay too! I'm so used to it.
I love all of Broc! And the lack thereof I suppose.

I love the way his skin smells after he's just taken a shower.
I love his curly black hair that he lets me do on his lazy OR super important days.
I love his crazy sense of humor, and he makes anyone and everyone laugh.
I love his sense of style, he's like a British rockstar that loves tennis shoes….
I love his hat collection, and his v neck/t shirt collection.
I love that I can talk to him about anything and nothing I ever say will ever bother him.
I love that he is my best friend and my lover at the same time.
I love waking up to him every morning, and going to bed with him every night.
I love coming home after a LOOOOONG day of work and seeing his huge "Edward Eyes" and sweet smile accompanied by his gorgeous dimples.
I love that he isn't afraid to be himself and doesn't care what anyone thinks of him.

Broc is basically empty inside to help make room for his huge heart, and I love that about him. I love him, inside and out :)