What a beautiful mess this is.

I haven't blogged in over a year. But I have good reason, life in the Cozzens' home has drastically changed.

Broc and I are no longer husband and wife. It's been the hardest, toughest, most heartbreaking decision I have ever made. I still to this day question if what I did was the right decision, I may never know. All I do know is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than what I gave myself credit for. And I'm also kicking ass at this single parenting business.

Broc and I are still good friends. He still comes by to visit us, calls regularly to make sure Cole, Todd and I are okay, and we both want to have a good relationship with each other. Not just for us, but especially for our son. We never EVER want Cole to feel like our choice to end our marriage was because of him, and we want him to know that we still care and love each other, but we cannot be together. We will ALWAYS be a family, and I can openly say that I will always love Broc, there is no doubt in that.

Cole and I now live in a cute 2 bedroom apartment close by Viewmont High School. I'm still grooming away, enjoying every second of it. Broc is living with some friends in North Salt Lake and has an amazing job at Lowe's. We are both doing very well for ourselves, and still working as a team to raise our boy right. If in the last 6 years of our relationship didn't count for anything, at least we know we got one thing right; Cole Goulding.

Cole is now almost 13 months old! He is walking everywhere destroying everything, and exploring non stop. He is the light of my life. He is my rock and my reason. I could not go through life without him. Who was I before him? I don't even care. He has made me want to become active in the LDS church again, live a healthier lifestyle, and want to become an all-around better person. I don't think I could've done everything I've been doing recently without him. Cole will never know the real amount of strength and determination that he has given me. I honestly thank The Lord everyday for him, and am so grateful to have the responsibilities of parenthood given to me. It truly is the greatest gift.

All-in-all, life right now is pretty confusing. But it's beautiful, hard, and always changing. I learn something new about myself and my son everyday. I may have thought my life was going to be heading in a totally different direction a year ago, but I wouldn't change my experiences for the world. They have made me the woman I am today. Everyday is different, but I do wake up each morning greeting the day and ready to conqor it with Cole and our red heeler Todd by our side.

Cheers-
Haley Carol

Just one of those amazing days.

Today was not supposed to be anything special. Just borrowed the Cozzens' car, go grocery shopping and run errands. Same old, same old. But for some reason today, it was more than grocery shopping and errand running, it was making lifestyle changes, taking Cole out and watching him enjoy the world, having Todd hang his head out the window and enjoy the weather, and just spending a care free day with my family.

First off, I groomed a dog this morning and did quite an amazing job, if I do say so myself. And that's a good thing because this weekend I almost just quite grooming for a while because I messed up on a client and it destroyed my self esteem and broke my spirit. So knowing I did a good job on this dog today, and have the owner recognize it, I felt so much better about my grooming and realized everyone makes mistakes.

Next, we went to Target to get toiletries, and ended up doing a little grocery shopping there as well! I found some great vegan foods, got ingredients to make Broc's favorite meals, and we headed to Pappa Murphy's to get pizza, breadsticks, and cookie dough! Then we headed home so Cole could take his afternoon nap and we could eat lunch.

Then, we headed off to Smith's after Cole took his 2 1/2 hour nap (crazy kid!) to buy the rest of our groceries and fresh produce, because they are A LOT cheaper than Target. While we were in the produce section, Broc came to the cart with a giant bag of apples and said, " I want to live a healthier lifestyle, too. I WILL NOT go vegetarian or vegan, but I want to eat healthier and take better care of myself." I squealed and gave him a big hug and kiss right in the middle of the store! I didn't care, I was so happy that he wanted to better himself even more than he already has!

So after hours of grocery shopping, we finally got home, got Cole fed and ready for bed, took our nighttime walk, and Broc and I are now eating sushi, drinking mike's hard lemonade, watching iron man 3, and playing blink.

Nothing special was supposed to happen today. But now that I'm laying here next to my husband, on our bed that we pulled into the living room so we could have a "sleepover" while Todd is snuggle up at our feet, I realize that I need to cherish and enjoy everyday like I did today. Because life IS short, Cole is growing up so fast, Broc and I have been married for almost 3 YEARS, so much is changing and continues to change.

We all need to enjoy every single day.
Find something in your day to look forward to,
To always remember,
To crave to relive over and over again.

Life is absolutely beautiful.

Conception Story

Yes, the title is misleading.
I just want to tell you the story of how Mr. Cole Goulding came into our lives.
In a previous post, I talked about having HPV.
Well, I don't anymore!
Because of the surgery, shots, and taking good care of myself, my body battled it.
So to "reward" myself, I got pregnant.
Let me back it up for just a second; Broc and I were told we were probably never going to be able to get pregnant. I had a 23% chance of having a baby, and Broc was told he isn't very fertile because of his illostomy surgery etc.
So we thought, what the hell? Don't need protection, don't need birth control.
WRONG.
So. Very. Wrong.
One day I was sitting on the front porch and I hadn't been feeling very well lately, something was just off. I was super emotional (more emotional then I already am) and Leia was starting to treat me differently. In the back of my mind I said, "there is NO WAY, Haley Carol, you ARE NOT pregnant."
So for the 100th time, I bought a pregnancy test at the store.
Positive.
..........
I didn't believe it. I called Planned Parenthood and made an appt. for the next day to get a pregnancy test there.
Positive.
So I went into my Dr. because I was actually supposed to get an IUD put in, but I told him that I had 2 positive pregnancy tests and that I wanted to get my blood drawn and sent to the lab.
I came back VERY positive. 4-5 weeks pregnant.
It was time to tell Broc.
I was terrified. We were so poor and without a car and lived in a studio apartment with 2 dogs and a cat. What were we going to do??
So, like a  big wimp, I called him at work and told him we needed to talk when he got home.
"you're pregnant, aren't you?"
then there was silence, he hung up.
about 5 minutes later, he called back, "I threw up." my poor husband!
I started to cry and asked him what we were going to do. He came home as quickly as he could and we sat down and decided we needed to start finding a better place to live and living a better lifestyle etc.
Well, 11 months have gone by since then, and we are SO happy with Cole Goulding. Leia, sadly is gone to a different family, and Pepper our cat is with the upstairs neighbors we had in the avenues. We are in a cute 2 bedroom apartment with Todd, Broc is a supervisor at the Centerville Arctic Circle, and I am working at the Rec Center and grooming at home as well (searching for a grooming job at a salon or vet tech job at a clinic) Life is piecing itself together, and we have the most beautiful, happy, healthy baby anyone could ask for.
I am so grateful to have Cole Goulding in our lives. He is an absolute blessing and has made me a better person. I have seen the change in Broc and myself, as we've grown into adults and into parents. Thank you, Cole, for coming into our lives at the most unexpected time and making it absolutely perfect and beautiful. We love you.
Mom and Dad.

photo cred. Kelsey Yoakum

Cole Goulding Cozzens--Birth Story

Well, I have been itching to write Cole's birth story, and everyone that has had their babies AFTER me have already written theirs, so obviously I need to get on it.

Cole was 9 days late. And let me tell you, that was HELL! I was so ready to have Cole, mentally and emotionally, but not physically. I wasn't dilating, and turns out, LDS Hospital's policy is that first time moms will not be induced until they are EXACTLY 41 weeks, or if there is a medical concern, they will induce you before.
So, after 3 non stress tests, one emergency trip to LDS for fainting in my apartment one day, and hours of tears and stress later, I had an induction date; June 12th at 7 pm.
When June 12th finally came up, I was freaking out! I couldn't wait for 7 to come around. I spent the day cleaning, going through our hospital bags, and my mom even took me and Addie Mae out for pedicures right before! 6 o'clock rolls around, I get a phone call from LDS Hospital.
"Someone went into labor and your room was taken. We will call you when a room opens up."
............I sobbed.
For hours.
I couldn't believe that I had been waiting all of this time, and an HOUR before I'm supposed to go in, my room gets taken by someone lucky enough to go into labor and have their baby. The hospital told us to get some sleep, and that they would call me when a room opened up.
Like I was getting any freaking sleep.
I was now a week past due, and I had to wait even LONGER to have my baby.
Luckily for Broc, I cried myself to sleep that night. Then my phone rings at 3:30 in the morning.
"A room has opened up for you. We'll see you soon!"
Broc and I got in the car and HAULED to the Cozzens' house to drop off Todd, then drove to LDS as fast as we could, ran into labor and delivery, and FINALLY, had a room.

Immediately, they put an I.V. in me because I tested positive for strep B etc. and put me on fluids because I was very dehydrated. Next they gave me a pill that dissolved in my mouth to help soften my cervix, and told us to sleep. Naturally, Broc passed out. I was up most of the night, just listening to my son's heart beat, and realizing I would hopefully be seeing him in a couple of hours.
That's when the labor pains started, and boy were they AWFUL!
But, I wanted to fight through them as long as I could because I wanted to have a natural birth.
That didn't last long though, 4 hours into my labor, I was sobbing because the pain was so awful and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point, the nurse told me I was getting an epidural, and I didn't argue one bit.
Getting an epidural, for me, was hell as well. My contractions were so bad at that point, when they told me to lean forward and stay still, my whole body was shaking from the pain and exhaustion I was going through, I basically gave myself a full blown panic attack.
Mind you, I have a high pain tolerance, so I was quite embarrassed that I couldn't deal with this as well as I expected myself to.
Finally, after trying to get the epidural in twice, the nurse gave me a sedative, laid me down on my side, and I guess they got the epidural in much quicker and easier, I don't remember though :) I was definitely drugged.
Next was the catheter, more fluids, and more waiting.
8 more hours to be exact.
It was 11:00 pm that night when I was finally dilated enough for them to call Dr. Beckstead and have me start pushing.
Side note, if you ever need a good OB/Family Practitioner, I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Beckstead. He made my pregnancy and birthing process so positive and easy. I absolutely love this doctor.
So, after an hour and 10 minutes of pushing, there he was....

Cole Goulding Cozzens
9 pounds 2 ounces
21 1/2 inches long
THE MOST hair I have ever seen on a baby. Beautiful, black, thick.
Giant eyes, only cried for about 20 seconds.
Perfection.
I started to cry, my heart was so full of emotion I can't even explain, and the long 9 month and 9 day wait was finally over.
I looked over to Broc, he was sobbing. He turned towards me and hugged me tight and kissed my forehead, I was in heaven at that moment.

Cole Goulding was a surprise baby. We weren't planning on him, but he came.
And all I have to say is, I don't wish my life to be any different.
The love I feel for this baby is indescribable, it's the most perfect, selfless, fulfilling love I have ever felt. When I first saw my baby boy, I thought my heart was going to explode.
I look at him now, STILL, and my heart hurts with the love I have for him.
You do not know true love until you are a mother, and that is a FACT. Because it is unlike any love you have for a pet, family member, even your spouse, it is the most perfect feeling in the world.

Cole Goulding Cozzens, you are, without a doubt, the GREATEST thing that has ever happened to Broc and me. We are so happy you are here, and love starting this journey called parenting with you. You are loved by everyone in our families, and adored and fawned over by everyone we know. Nothing will ever make us happier. You are the love of our lives.

Life with Todd

Okay, lets just get to the point.
I write A LOT about dogs.
Our dogs.
But why not?
They're our family, our furkids, what we live for.
SO GET OVER IT! :)

I'm just going to kind of update what life has been like since we added Mr. Todd into our family.
One word, CRAZY!
Okay two, crazy and AMAZING!
Todd is a NUTBAG!
He has energy, spunk, curiosity, love, fire....
He's everything you want in an Australian Cattle http://www.akc.org/breeds/australian_cattle_dog/index.cfm <--here's a little information on the breed if you want to learn more about it!

Him and Leia LOOOOVE each other.

He HATES swimming, so Broc threw him in the river at City Creek Canyon!

                                                                         

Broc playing with him and Boss (our friend Cam's dog) I love this picture

He was patient and let me draw eyebrows on him haha :)

 

Like I said, Todd is an amazing addition to our family. He loves to stare out windows, cuddle, meet everyone and every dog, and he is just bubbling with personality! Even as I'm typing this, he's snuggled up right against me. We love you Todd, and we are BEYOND happy to have you in our life. xoxoxoxox mommy and daddy

From adoption, to abandoned, to foster, to death, to adoption.

I now work at UAAC, The Utah Animal Adoption Center. I love it, for the most part (some attitudes around their could be changed) but the fact that I am working to give animals a 2nd chance is BEYOND fullfilling for my soul.
The only problem is, I can foster and I get one free adoption.
That's when Gramps came into my life.
Gramps was adopted from UAAC around 9 to 10 years ago.
Then a month ago, he was abandoned, left for dead basically.
In THE WORST condition an owner could possibly leave a dog in.
And I fell head over heels with him!

He was blind, deaf, and 15 years old. But he always had a smile on his face.
He had the attitude of an old man, he was a stubborn man :)
We only had him for 2ish weeks, then he could barely stand, poop, eat, just have a normal day.
So I, along with the staff at UAAC, decided it was time for him to go.


I was devistated.
I've had 3 dogs die this year, I've watched all 3 go.
BUT, they are in heaven with my Sunny, waiting for us to come meet them, in the heaven dogs exsist.

But there was a silver lining in all of this.
And his name is Todd.
He was brought in a couple of days before Gramps died, and we KNEW he was perfect for us.
He is about 8 month to a year old Australian Cattle Dog
25 pounds
Cute as can freaking be.
We. Love. Todd.
He has made me realize that Gramps wanted me and Broc to be happy, and trust me, we are!
I can't wait to have MANY MANY years with Broc, Leia, and Todd, one happy family.

We miss you Gramps.
We love you Todd, welcome to our family :)

Lets just get this over with!

I've been wanting to blog more, but haven't had the damnest thing to write about!
Then, just out of the blue, I realized I did.
And it's serious.
And if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Because this is another "harder" post for me to write.
But there are people out there I KNOW need to here it.

........I have HPV. And Cervical Cancer

If you don't know what HPV is, how you can get it (or prevent it) or just need a brush up on your STD knowledge, http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm will help you.
I've known about having HPV since August of 2010.
I don't even think my family knows about it.
My husband does, and he's find with it.

JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR, I am not a disgusting deformed woman in ANY way, I am perfectly healthy and "normal looking" and managing my diseases very well.
If ANYONE out there is offened by this, don't hate, just exit off of my blog and let everyone else continue onto reading. This is a hard subject to bring up, but I KNOW people out there need and want to hear this.
Men can get this too, so don't be stupid and immature, boys! ;)

Now, lets get back to business.
I'm sure whoever, if anyone is still reading this, have lots of questions. I'll bring up a few I've had the few people that know about this have asked me.

Q. Did Broc give it to you? And can he get it himself?
A. No. I had one other sexual partner before I met Broc. People, don't act perfect and think I'm some whore or something. It was a VERY serious relationship I was in. There are people out there who understand. Broc knows, he doesn't care at all, and he respects and loves me still. NOW to answer the 2nd part; Yes. Broc can get it from me. He DOES NOT have it though, thank God.

Q. Does it hurt you?
A. Yes, very much. Especially since I also have cervical cancer as well. I had a small little surgery in Septemberish time where they removed the cancerous part of it...THE WORST pain I've ever been in. And it still hurts to this day, and always will.

Q. Can you have children?
A. Probably not. I have like an 23% chance to EVER even getting CLOSE to getting pregnant. Right now in our lives, that's a positive thing for us haha. But in the future, it might be tough. We are BIG BELIEVERS in adoption though. Broc AND my father were both adopted. That's 2 men in my life that if they were with their birth parents still, I might not even exsist.

Q. How can I prevent getting HPV?
A. Safe sex. I know this will sound stupid, but if you are considering having sex with someone, you BOTH should get tested and make sure you're all safe and clear! Also, condoms, always.

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks this post is disgusting and not appropriate, but really, it's not THAT big of a deal. I have an amazing life still, and I've learned from my mistakes. I hope whoever out there is reading is educated and enlightened by this. Please don't think of me as a horrible, disgusting person. I'm still the same Haley Carol all of you know and love :)