Feelin Groovy

So I feel like lately I've been overwhelming myself with life.
I know that's cliche.
But it's true so fuck off!
I need to learn to let go again.
Just to enjoy the day ahead of me, and worry about stuff if it actually happens
which 93.5% it never does....
So why is that?

Why do people overthink life?

I find it super frustrating that the world revolves around money. NOTHING is free anymore.
nothing.
If you win a free burger at McDonalds, you most likely have to drive to get there. Gas=money
If you make a friend, you're entitled to either go to lunch with them, buy them lunch, or get them gifts (if you're anything like me, I LOVE buying people shit) presents and food=money

Now I'm not trying to complain, I'm just wondering why life is the way it is and kinda just babbling on in this post because I have a lot on my mind and my husband is already asleep at 9:31 at night.
So the question and/or thought for me is: why didn't I enjoy being a kid and a teenager?
I was SO determined my whole life to grow up and be older than I was.
To have multiple jobs when I didn't need one.
To go on dates and hang out late.
To disobey my parents and not listen to their advace.

Well joke's on me; I'm a F***ING adult now.
Time to HAVE mulitple jobs just to make ends meet.
Time to go on dates if there's time for one, and hang out late at work.
Time to not have parents around 24/7 to disobey, because now I need them.

I love being grown up, don't get me wrong.
I just wish I would've treasured my youth a little bit more.
I wish I would've been nicer to people at school.
I wish I would've hung out with my family more and not worried about boys or parties.
I wish I would've been less ADHD and just done my homework.

But now it is time to grow up and be a woman, starting with this blog post.
I understand this post is a bit weird, I'm just scatter-brained and can't sleep.
But now my thoughts are typed out, and my mind is clear.

1st Plus Photo Shoot

I was having an off day the other week, so good ol' Kelsey took me out and took photos of me to show me how beautiful I am and that being different isn't a bad thing. I can't help but NOT to post these photos because they are SO gorgeous. Enjoy, like I even have to tell you...they're amazing!!!

We were just driving and found this place. Cars were coming back and it was sort of akward haha. Like tons of cars!

Possibly my favorite one ever. In my favorite Urban Outfitter's sweater :) yes, big girls can shop at the sickest places still, don't fret!

Kelsey said I look just like my mammy in this one. And you know what, I'm okay with that now :) because I feel I look like BOTH my mother and father in this picture. And that's beautiful

I really like this one. I'm wearing a shirt my little brother gave me that I wear on a regular basis, a scarf that I got from Rodger's Memorial Theatre before it turned into CenterPointe, and shoes my husband bought me. Everything I love is in this one simple picture. And it makes me whole.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed this little post, and if anyone out there wants their pictures taken for cheap and a good quality, Kelsey Yokam is the girl to talk to. She takes ALL of my pictures.

LOL--Lots of Love

This guilty feeling inside

So now that I'm back onto the Internet world, for example; facebook, pinterest, and polyvore.....
I feel this awful feeling inside that I need to apologize.
For being needy
For being nosey
For being a bitch
For talking bad about people
For thinking bad about people
For being grumpy
For being angry
For complaining
For being unsatisfied
For pouting
For yelling
For crying
For lying
For anything that I have ever done wrong that was either intentional or non-intentional and hurting some one's feelings and/or other's feelings. (phew I said that all in one breath)
For sometimes not being Haley Carol.

I'M SORRY!!!

No excuses, but reasons. Life has given me some twists and turns, some ups and downs, and I haven't handled them right. I'm working on that. Come on, I'm human.
I'm 20, I'm still young and reckless! And I'm Haley Carol, I'll ALWAYS over dramatize things.
But at least I'm being honest that sometimes I'm not the easiest pill to swallow.
I regret hurting people, losing friendships and other relationships (not past boyfriends, hell no haha!) and most importantly, hurting my family, including in-laws.
I want to be a role model in SO many ways.
This will be a good start.

Again, I'M SORRY!!!

I honestly am going to try my hardest to be the old Haley Carol that everyone loved and looked up to.
I'm not going to change who I am, just make myself nicer.
The world needs nicer people, I want to be one of them.
And if I'm going to love myself, I need to learn to love others.
I am so sorry to anyone and everyone I've hurt.
Know that I love everyone. I really do.

I love everyone's differences, it makes them beautiful and interesting.
I have SO MANY amazing friends and family members, all with different interests and talents.
I have SO MANY beautiful friends and family members, looks, personalities, the whole sha-bang!
I have ONE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL husband who thinks this blog post is weird, but understands that I can't apologize  to everyone all at once, so this will have to do.

But there are a few people who are going to get super long and heart-felt one on one apologies.
So get ready people.
There's a nicer Haley Carol Cozzens in town.
And she's ready to give you so much nice, you might even miss the old me :)

LOL---LOTS OF LOVE

Pretty is a Plus

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever, sorry guys! But I;ve thought of a new post, and basically a new blogging style that I am going to start. This is a huge step for me, so take a deep breath, and enjoy...

I'm big boned.
Always have been, always will be.
......
I'm a size 16.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
I have a great body, good strong healthy bones, and an awesome ass :)
I'm a size 16 and I STILL wear skinny jeans.
I wear nothing BUT skinnies.

I love myself.
And everyone out there who deals with big bones, weight problems, or anything that doesn't make you a size 2 should love yourself as well.

I'm beautiful.
My husband tells me so.
Yes, I'm a size 16 and married.
Guys like curves.
My husband LOOOOVES them.
We have a great, amazing marriage, even though I'm a bigger girl and he's a smaller guy.
He thinks I'm the hottest girl out there, and makes ME think I am too!

I'm not cocky, I have self esteem.
Everyone who might even come across this post should have self esteem too.
And if you don't, come talk to me.

this is me. sporting my plus size self. And feeling GREAT about it.
I wear whatever clothes I feel like wearing.
And yes, they're usually a Large or XL.

Wanna know some other pluses to being a plus?
-big boobs
-nice round butt
-sexy flowing shirts and dresses
-loud laugh and WAY more personality to have

I hope someone out there reads this post and appreciates being themselves.
Even if you're tiny, love yourself.
My best friend eats like a man, but has the tiniest body in the world.
She's hot and embraces it! (Love you KT)
But to you Juicy Lucy's out there, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.


Don't ever forget that.

Just another romantic story.

A couple of days ago, I had to work. And Broc worked. I didn't have a car. Broc did.
I called Broc's mom to give me a ride. She forgot. Oh shit. Well, I have a bike.
So yes people, I biked in 40 degree weather at 2 in the afternoon to Petco.
It sucked, to say the least.
So I got to work on time, freezing though, and almost barfed. I called Broc and told him.
He was so proud of me.
So was my boss. She gave me employee of the month for that.
I think.
When I got home that night (Broc picked me up. In the car) this happened

and this

and then some of this....

I have an amazing husband. He understands me, and he knows what to do for me and when to do it. The little fancy dinner at home, sweats, flowers, and most of all a CLEANED UP HOUSE was enough for me to realize that he was proud of me and loved me.

And then I realized biking to work wasn't so bad after all....

Lists are nice.

I read Kelsey's post and decided to make a list about me and Broc as well....because I love lists myself, and I just feel like blogging today.

* Broc and I met at a high school Prom. Call it stupid, I thought it was awesome!
* Our first dance was at Boondocks by his car, listening to "As long as I Live" by Foreinger (which would later result in that becoming our first dance at our wedding), and eating m&ms. That's where he first touched my behind too......
* Our first date was trying to find Gravity Hill in Salt Lake, buying slim jims and smokes at a gas station, running through sprinklers at Muller Park Jr. High, and then later having our first kiss in the grafetti tunnel next to the Bountiful temple...WHAT A NIGHT!!!
* We used to talk on the phone all day, everyday, before we were dating and just best friends, while he was in the hospital when his colon was removed.
* He's the first person I met with Chrons' Disease. After meeting him, it opened up my eyes to the Chrons' world, and it's not an uncommon disease.
* I feel like a celebrity around his family and friends. Everyone goes "oh so you're the amazing Haley Carol we hear about everyday! I'm so happy Broc found you"......I am too.
* Broc tells me later on in our relationship that he is amazed that his colostomy bag doesn't bother me, and he is so grateful I think it's a different kind of beauty instead of an inperfection.
* When he proposed, it was Halloween night, and we were watching my favorite movie Saw III. I'm gothic and dark, I know. I've come to deal with that.
* When I'd come visit him during school, we would sleep on a TWIN mattress on the floor of his Russian roommate's room....it was disgusting, but totally worth it.

    I love my Christian Broc Cozzens.

Gotta be Grateful

Well, I read my best friend, KateLyn Wall's blog post, and realized that I also have been complaining a lot lately. I've been complaining about lack of money, food, going out, and just basically everything, even though I have SO MUCH that I should be happy for. I'm listing out things I'm grateful for too, so thanks for the idea KT!

1. First off, I'm grateful for my amazing husband Christian Broc Cozzens. I am SO happy that I am married to this amazing man, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have fallen in love so much that I want to marry him at a young age. We've endured more than most people know about, and I am so grateful for each and every one of those experiences. They have made us a strong couple, and I don't know who I would be without my husband. He understands me, is patient and kind with me, and loves me like nobody will EVER understand.

2. I am thankful for my job at Petco. Seriously, this job is incredible! It's my dream job, grooming dogs all day everyday is the dream job for me. Hanging around 5 of the closest coworkers I have ever had brings me complete joy. I love having 'girl talk' everytime I go to work. And some of them have turned out to be some of my best friends. This job gives me opportunity to grow as a groomer, person, and as a lover of all of God's creatures. This job gives me and my husband sercurity with money and knowing I won't lose this job, and GREAT discounts on any supplies needed for our pets at home :)

3. Which leads me to #3. I am SO grateful for my 2 dogs Reggie and Morty, and 2 kitties Aldous (pronounced All-dus) and Rosie. They are some of the sweetest animals I have ever known, and being me, I've known and owned a lot of animals. My kittens are even some of the sweetest best tempered kittens I have ever met! I call Aldous by his name and he comes to me. Rosie almost died, which was a very traumatizing couple of weeks in my life, holding her 9 ounce body, hoping she makes it just another day. I am eternally grateful for 4 kids already. They are the best kids in teh world.

4. I am grateful for Broc's parents: Chris and Jan Cozzens. They are like a mom and a dad to me, when mine don't decide to step in, they do. They have helped us in SO many ways, from letting us live at their house until Broc was back on his feet, to giving us a hearty dinner and leftovers every Sunday night, or when something like a birthday party or special event occurs. Jan has been more of a mom to me than I ever thought she would be. She's helped me during all of the rough times that Broc and I have been through, and has treated me like a daughter when it comes to rides, taking me out for hair appts. and mani/pedis, and talking to me on the phone or over lunch when I've needed someone there for me during times of confusion. So thank you Jan and Chris, especially Jan. I love you both so much.

5. I am thankful that my husband is alive and healthy, thanks to Doctors, surgery, and medications. He has suffered SO MUCH in his lifetime, more than most people our age can ever even imagine and endure. He has almost died, that terrifies me. But knowing that because of educated Doctors and modern day medication and technology has saved Broc's life, I will be forever and eternally grateful for that.

6. As of right now, I am graeful that Broc and I have a car. Ever since I got in that accident driving the Altima, we haven't had a car to get us around and that was miserable. Going to two jobs, driving the boys around (the boys are our dogs), running errands, and just everyday driving, not having a car was super sucky. I am grateful that we had enough money saved up in the bank to get ourselves a super nice car that Broc loves and I barely get to drive haha. So thank you Toyota on Highway 89 for getting us an amazing car that we never thought we could have and are BOTH VERY grateful for.

Well those 6 things are the top 6 in my life of thankfulness right now, and I kinda have to get ready for work! I hope anyone who reads this will think of all the things they are grateful for, and post something on their blog as well. This post has definately made my attitude a hell of a lot better. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Remembering Idaho

Last September, my mother forced me to go back, yet again, to BYU Idaho to finish my associate's degree in vocal performance, even though I explained to her that I wanted to stay in Utah, move to Ogden with Broc and attend Weber State.
My mom told me 'not to throw my life away with a boy I'm just dating.
Little did she know I was madly in love with this boy and planning on marrying him.
Did I still throw my life away, mom? I think not. Broc IS my life.
ANYWAY, so I toughed out another semester (and if you haven't been to BYU I in the winter semester, you have NO idea how cold and miserable it is, especially if cold isn't your thing) and got engaged RIGHT in the middle of it (Halloween to be exact) which made the semester even harder.

All I could think about was Broc.
I was spending all my time and money finding ways to get home and see him EVERY SINGLE weekend.
Crying myself to sleep every night because my pillow smelled like him, and I was using his baby blanket to keep me warm during the cold nights.
Waiting with baited breathe, staring at my phone for a text or a call from my loving and very missed fiance.
Crying everytime we had to say goodbye, and telling him to call me AS SOON as he can, even if it's 45 seconds later.
Reading his letters and poems over and OVER and OVER again, heart breaking every word he wrote to me.

Then FINALLY, I went home the final weekend, brought Broc back to Rexburg with me, and left for good 3 days later....thanking God that I would never return to that school, and even if I did, I wouldn't be alone. I'd be married, and there would be no way anyone could tear us apart and make rules and regulations for our relationship.
You know what I just realized......? I HATED dating Broc.
Not because of him, not in the least bit! Because we were told how to date, how to be engaged, what to do, where to do it, and how. For EVERY LITTLE THING we did together. And now I am beyond grateful that every night I am able to spend it having a 'sleep over' with my best friend, and waking up to him every morning, knowing that he isn't going anywhere.

Song I wrote for Broc (by Paper Lanterns)

I wrote this song with Danny (my little brother) while I was engaged to Broc. Broc, like I've said, has Chrons Disease. Which has led to Colon cancer, and having his whole large intestine and part of his small intestine removed last year (2010). He's dealt with so many more health issues that I could just probably write a whole 'nother blog post about, but anyway. He's a warrior and THE strongest person I know, so the least I could or can do for him is write a song to and about him, and to anyone else out there who struggles with a life long sickness or disease that is incurable. Please enjoy:

"You wake up in the morning,
already angry at the world.
The sickness overcomes the spirit,
so who to blame it on today?
You look up at the One you've trusted the most,
the One who gave you what you didn't ask for.

You feel like you've done nothing wrong,
but you're taking the blame.
You're being punished for nothing,
you know.

There are millions of excuses,
that don't add up to the one real reason.
None of it makes sense in your head,
you look up again and ask 'are You there?'
That silent answer comes to no surprise,
you get it everyday.
Then you ask 'when do I stop the fight?
will it never go away?'

You feel like you've done nothing wrong,
but you're taking the blame.
You're being punished for nothing,
you know."

Kelsey my twin saves my wedding photos….and every other photo.

My brother, DanielSon, has a girlfriend named Kelsey.
She's basically my best friend. I talk to her about almost everything, and we go exploring together. No big deal. We rock.
She's a younger, better dressed version of me.
Also, skinner. I hate her for that!!!!
Anyway, she retook mine and Broc's "groomals" and they're amazing. She's an amazing photographer. And she's only 16!!!!

Thanks again Kelsey-Bo-Belsey!!! I lovers you!!!

Cool Things no one else's husbands have…or don't have….

Broc has Chron's Disease. Whatever, he's still rad.
He's missing A LOT of body parts, which actually makes him really cool!
Like for example: he's missing his whole large intestine due to Colon Cancer that was found in 2010, also, have of his small intestine was POW during that surgery….RIP Broc's innards.
He poops in a bag. On his stomach. And you can see a piece of his bright red intestine. And poop…but that's okay too! I'm so used to it.
I love all of Broc! And the lack thereof I suppose.

I love the way his skin smells after he's just taken a shower.
I love his curly black hair that he lets me do on his lazy OR super important days.
I love his crazy sense of humor, and he makes anyone and everyone laugh.
I love his sense of style, he's like a British rockstar that loves tennis shoes….
I love his hat collection, and his v neck/t shirt collection.
I love that I can talk to him about anything and nothing I ever say will ever bother him.
I love that he is my best friend and my lover at the same time.
I love waking up to him every morning, and going to bed with him every night.
I love coming home after a LOOOOONG day of work and seeing his huge "Edward Eyes" and sweet smile accompanied by his gorgeous dimples.
I love that he isn't afraid to be himself and doesn't care what anyone thinks of him.

Broc is basically empty inside to help make room for his huge heart, and I love that about him. I love him, inside and out :)

Just to catch up…..

I was married to my husband on April 18, 2011 after a long 6 months of waiting and planning and waiting and planning…..we finally ended up getting married at 10:30 at night at my parent's LDS church by their bishop Bro. Tullis. Even though it was just me, Broc, and our families, it was still the most magical thing in the world and I am so happy we were married that night and started our lives together. Our reception was on the 21st, and it was gorgeous….for what I had to work with haha. I couldn't be happier right now, seriously! That is my beautiful wedding ring that my husband costume designed himself for me. He proposed to me on Halloween night, which is my favorite Holiday so I was quite thrilled! Plus I had NO CLUE he was going to propose! He gave me this ring on New Year's Eve because custom making a ring takes FOREVER!!! I had no idea what it was going to look like, but it's way beyond my expectations! I love my husband so much. He's amazing, he's smart, he's patient, he's everything I could've hoped for in a husband and then some :) he's my best friend, my love, my soul mate, my Brocy :) I love you forever and ever, babe!!