Happy New Year.....

The term "Happy New Year" was completely ascue from what Broc and I experienced this last week of the year 2011.
Right now as I am typing out this blog post, I'm getting sick to my stomach and feeling the emptiness creep back into my heart and my mind.
My puppies are gone.
There's no bringing them back.
I know that.
I accept that.
But I sure as hell DO NOT want that.

Thursday night, my dear Scarlett started getting all of the signs of Parvo disease.
If you don't know what Parvo is http://dogparvosymptoms.net/ there you go.
It's horrible.
It's disgusting.
It broke my heart.

Friday, Koda was hit with this hell of a disease.
They were both gone by Sunday.
It was mine and Broc's choice to put them down, but they were honestly better off dead.
They lost SO MUCH weight,
so much light in their eyes,
so much will to live,
and I saw it all.
Looking at my babies, knowing that I only have minutes to be with them
I held them in my arms, listening to their soft, staggered breathing,
telling them that they're going to be all better soon and that mommy and daddy love them.

I told them sorry.

Sorry....that's all I could think of right before they left.

Sorry to Scarlett for spanking you when you peed in the house the night we got you,
Sorry to Koda for popping him on the nose when he didn't want a bath.
Sorry for everything wrong.
Sorry for not being able to control this horrid disease that hit them quickly and without fail.

I loved those dogs.
I hope everyone and everything out there knows I do.
I loved those dogs more than anything in this world, and I would've given ANYTHING for them to be alive.

But that wasn't God's plan.
Whoever and whatever he is.
If he even exsists.
But we'll discuss that later.

You honestly don't know what sadness is until you hold your sick puppies in your arms while they're put to sleep.
Knowing that's the right thing to do, but why now?
They're young, full of life.

While I was sitting there waiting for the vet to come in to euthanize them, I thought.
Take me instead. I honestly thought that.
Give me their sickness, I'll battle through it.
Let them be happy and healthy.
What could I sell or how could I get the money to treat them?
What did I do to loose these dogs?
I took SUCH good care of them.
The best food, the best collars, leashes, treats, kennels, everything was perfect.
I thought,
my mind racing.
About to grab my dogs and run.
Find somewhere, Narnia? Hogwarts?
Somewhere unreal that would rescue my dogs.

Then the vet came in.

And that was that.

That was my New Year's.
That was Broc's New Year's.

R.I.P. Scarlett my "pwetty girlfwiend" and Koda Koda's my "ting-ting"
You still have a VERY big place in my heart, and I don't want you to leave it.
Stay in my heart, help me through life.
Because you changed me, and I'm sure you changed Broc.
We will always love you, talk about you, think about you,
You are remembered.


XOXOXO mommy and daddy.