Happy New Year.....

The term "Happy New Year" was completely ascue from what Broc and I experienced this last week of the year 2011.
Right now as I am typing out this blog post, I'm getting sick to my stomach and feeling the emptiness creep back into my heart and my mind.
My puppies are gone.
There's no bringing them back.
I know that.
I accept that.
But I sure as hell DO NOT want that.

Thursday night, my dear Scarlett started getting all of the signs of Parvo disease.
If you don't know what Parvo is http://dogparvosymptoms.net/ there you go.
It's horrible.
It's disgusting.
It broke my heart.

Friday, Koda was hit with this hell of a disease.
They were both gone by Sunday.
It was mine and Broc's choice to put them down, but they were honestly better off dead.
They lost SO MUCH weight,
so much light in their eyes,
so much will to live,
and I saw it all.
Looking at my babies, knowing that I only have minutes to be with them
I held them in my arms, listening to their soft, staggered breathing,
telling them that they're going to be all better soon and that mommy and daddy love them.

I told them sorry.

Sorry....that's all I could think of right before they left.

Sorry to Scarlett for spanking you when you peed in the house the night we got you,
Sorry to Koda for popping him on the nose when he didn't want a bath.
Sorry for everything wrong.
Sorry for not being able to control this horrid disease that hit them quickly and without fail.

I loved those dogs.
I hope everyone and everything out there knows I do.
I loved those dogs more than anything in this world, and I would've given ANYTHING for them to be alive.

But that wasn't God's plan.
Whoever and whatever he is.
If he even exsists.
But we'll discuss that later.

You honestly don't know what sadness is until you hold your sick puppies in your arms while they're put to sleep.
Knowing that's the right thing to do, but why now?
They're young, full of life.

While I was sitting there waiting for the vet to come in to euthanize them, I thought.
Take me instead. I honestly thought that.
Give me their sickness, I'll battle through it.
Let them be happy and healthy.
What could I sell or how could I get the money to treat them?
What did I do to loose these dogs?
I took SUCH good care of them.
The best food, the best collars, leashes, treats, kennels, everything was perfect.
I thought,
my mind racing.
About to grab my dogs and run.
Find somewhere, Narnia? Hogwarts?
Somewhere unreal that would rescue my dogs.

Then the vet came in.

And that was that.

That was my New Year's.
That was Broc's New Year's.

R.I.P. Scarlett my "pwetty girlfwiend" and Koda Koda's my "ting-ting"
You still have a VERY big place in my heart, and I don't want you to leave it.
Stay in my heart, help me through life.
Because you changed me, and I'm sure you changed Broc.
We will always love you, talk about you, think about you,
You are remembered.


XOXOXO mommy and daddy.

Feelin Groovy

So I feel like lately I've been overwhelming myself with life.
I know that's cliche.
But it's true so fuck off!
I need to learn to let go again.
Just to enjoy the day ahead of me, and worry about stuff if it actually happens
which 93.5% it never does....
So why is that?

Why do people overthink life?

I find it super frustrating that the world revolves around money. NOTHING is free anymore.
nothing.
If you win a free burger at McDonalds, you most likely have to drive to get there. Gas=money
If you make a friend, you're entitled to either go to lunch with them, buy them lunch, or get them gifts (if you're anything like me, I LOVE buying people shit) presents and food=money

Now I'm not trying to complain, I'm just wondering why life is the way it is and kinda just babbling on in this post because I have a lot on my mind and my husband is already asleep at 9:31 at night.
So the question and/or thought for me is: why didn't I enjoy being a kid and a teenager?
I was SO determined my whole life to grow up and be older than I was.
To have multiple jobs when I didn't need one.
To go on dates and hang out late.
To disobey my parents and not listen to their advace.

Well joke's on me; I'm a F***ING adult now.
Time to HAVE mulitple jobs just to make ends meet.
Time to go on dates if there's time for one, and hang out late at work.
Time to not have parents around 24/7 to disobey, because now I need them.

I love being grown up, don't get me wrong.
I just wish I would've treasured my youth a little bit more.
I wish I would've been nicer to people at school.
I wish I would've hung out with my family more and not worried about boys or parties.
I wish I would've been less ADHD and just done my homework.

But now it is time to grow up and be a woman, starting with this blog post.
I understand this post is a bit weird, I'm just scatter-brained and can't sleep.
But now my thoughts are typed out, and my mind is clear.

1st Plus Photo Shoot

I was having an off day the other week, so good ol' Kelsey took me out and took photos of me to show me how beautiful I am and that being different isn't a bad thing. I can't help but NOT to post these photos because they are SO gorgeous. Enjoy, like I even have to tell you...they're amazing!!!

We were just driving and found this place. Cars were coming back and it was sort of akward haha. Like tons of cars!

Possibly my favorite one ever. In my favorite Urban Outfitter's sweater :) yes, big girls can shop at the sickest places still, don't fret!

Kelsey said I look just like my mammy in this one. And you know what, I'm okay with that now :) because I feel I look like BOTH my mother and father in this picture. And that's beautiful

I really like this one. I'm wearing a shirt my little brother gave me that I wear on a regular basis, a scarf that I got from Rodger's Memorial Theatre before it turned into CenterPointe, and shoes my husband bought me. Everything I love is in this one simple picture. And it makes me whole.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed this little post, and if anyone out there wants their pictures taken for cheap and a good quality, Kelsey Yokam is the girl to talk to. She takes ALL of my pictures.

LOL--Lots of Love

This guilty feeling inside

So now that I'm back onto the Internet world, for example; facebook, pinterest, and polyvore.....
I feel this awful feeling inside that I need to apologize.
For being needy
For being nosey
For being a bitch
For talking bad about people
For thinking bad about people
For being grumpy
For being angry
For complaining
For being unsatisfied
For pouting
For yelling
For crying
For lying
For anything that I have ever done wrong that was either intentional or non-intentional and hurting some one's feelings and/or other's feelings. (phew I said that all in one breath)
For sometimes not being Haley Carol.

I'M SORRY!!!

No excuses, but reasons. Life has given me some twists and turns, some ups and downs, and I haven't handled them right. I'm working on that. Come on, I'm human.
I'm 20, I'm still young and reckless! And I'm Haley Carol, I'll ALWAYS over dramatize things.
But at least I'm being honest that sometimes I'm not the easiest pill to swallow.
I regret hurting people, losing friendships and other relationships (not past boyfriends, hell no haha!) and most importantly, hurting my family, including in-laws.
I want to be a role model in SO many ways.
This will be a good start.

Again, I'M SORRY!!!

I honestly am going to try my hardest to be the old Haley Carol that everyone loved and looked up to.
I'm not going to change who I am, just make myself nicer.
The world needs nicer people, I want to be one of them.
And if I'm going to love myself, I need to learn to love others.
I am so sorry to anyone and everyone I've hurt.
Know that I love everyone. I really do.

I love everyone's differences, it makes them beautiful and interesting.
I have SO MANY amazing friends and family members, all with different interests and talents.
I have SO MANY beautiful friends and family members, looks, personalities, the whole sha-bang!
I have ONE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL husband who thinks this blog post is weird, but understands that I can't apologize  to everyone all at once, so this will have to do.

But there are a few people who are going to get super long and heart-felt one on one apologies.
So get ready people.
There's a nicer Haley Carol Cozzens in town.
And she's ready to give you so much nice, you might even miss the old me :)

LOL---LOTS OF LOVE

Pretty is a Plus

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever, sorry guys! But I;ve thought of a new post, and basically a new blogging style that I am going to start. This is a huge step for me, so take a deep breath, and enjoy...

I'm big boned.
Always have been, always will be.
......
I'm a size 16.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
I have a great body, good strong healthy bones, and an awesome ass :)
I'm a size 16 and I STILL wear skinny jeans.
I wear nothing BUT skinnies.

I love myself.
And everyone out there who deals with big bones, weight problems, or anything that doesn't make you a size 2 should love yourself as well.

I'm beautiful.
My husband tells me so.
Yes, I'm a size 16 and married.
Guys like curves.
My husband LOOOOVES them.
We have a great, amazing marriage, even though I'm a bigger girl and he's a smaller guy.
He thinks I'm the hottest girl out there, and makes ME think I am too!

I'm not cocky, I have self esteem.
Everyone who might even come across this post should have self esteem too.
And if you don't, come talk to me.

this is me. sporting my plus size self. And feeling GREAT about it.
I wear whatever clothes I feel like wearing.
And yes, they're usually a Large or XL.

Wanna know some other pluses to being a plus?
-big boobs
-nice round butt
-sexy flowing shirts and dresses
-loud laugh and WAY more personality to have

I hope someone out there reads this post and appreciates being themselves.
Even if you're tiny, love yourself.
My best friend eats like a man, but has the tiniest body in the world.
She's hot and embraces it! (Love you KT)
But to you Juicy Lucy's out there, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.


Don't ever forget that.

Just another romantic story.

A couple of days ago, I had to work. And Broc worked. I didn't have a car. Broc did.
I called Broc's mom to give me a ride. She forgot. Oh shit. Well, I have a bike.
So yes people, I biked in 40 degree weather at 2 in the afternoon to Petco.
It sucked, to say the least.
So I got to work on time, freezing though, and almost barfed. I called Broc and told him.
He was so proud of me.
So was my boss. She gave me employee of the month for that.
I think.
When I got home that night (Broc picked me up. In the car) this happened

and this

and then some of this....

I have an amazing husband. He understands me, and he knows what to do for me and when to do it. The little fancy dinner at home, sweats, flowers, and most of all a CLEANED UP HOUSE was enough for me to realize that he was proud of me and loved me.

And then I realized biking to work wasn't so bad after all....

Lists are nice.

I read Kelsey's post and decided to make a list about me and Broc as well....because I love lists myself, and I just feel like blogging today.

* Broc and I met at a high school Prom. Call it stupid, I thought it was awesome!
* Our first dance was at Boondocks by his car, listening to "As long as I Live" by Foreinger (which would later result in that becoming our first dance at our wedding), and eating m&ms. That's where he first touched my behind too......
* Our first date was trying to find Gravity Hill in Salt Lake, buying slim jims and smokes at a gas station, running through sprinklers at Muller Park Jr. High, and then later having our first kiss in the grafetti tunnel next to the Bountiful temple...WHAT A NIGHT!!!
* We used to talk on the phone all day, everyday, before we were dating and just best friends, while he was in the hospital when his colon was removed.
* He's the first person I met with Chrons' Disease. After meeting him, it opened up my eyes to the Chrons' world, and it's not an uncommon disease.
* I feel like a celebrity around his family and friends. Everyone goes "oh so you're the amazing Haley Carol we hear about everyday! I'm so happy Broc found you"......I am too.
* Broc tells me later on in our relationship that he is amazed that his colostomy bag doesn't bother me, and he is so grateful I think it's a different kind of beauty instead of an inperfection.
* When he proposed, it was Halloween night, and we were watching my favorite movie Saw III. I'm gothic and dark, I know. I've come to deal with that.
* When I'd come visit him during school, we would sleep on a TWIN mattress on the floor of his Russian roommate's room....it was disgusting, but totally worth it.

    I love my Christian Broc Cozzens.